I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
