"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
