Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
