apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
