she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
