if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Randomize
