i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
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My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
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Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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