my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
