My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
