forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
