oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
