i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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