Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
