if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
