she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
pray to the hookup gods
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
