I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
