He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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