Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
