pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
