Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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