I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
