ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
