my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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