I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
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I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
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Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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