what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
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