Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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