did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
