just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
