Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
