WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
