I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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