I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
