Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
