I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
