My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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