Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
