Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
