he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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