Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
im holly from the hills drunk
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
