6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
