Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
it's like heaven, but drunker
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
