recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
