Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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