It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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