did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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