Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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