I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
