I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
