WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
