I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize