did you get engaged???
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
