guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
this just has baby written all over it
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We had sex on a dog bed..
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
