I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
