Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
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What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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