I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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