he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
