And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
