I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
