I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
